insecurities

well hi. the last time I posted was September and that seems like forever ago. a lot has changed since September. a lot of really really good things! when I think back on who I was a year ago...man. I am so much more confident in myself. I feel stronger. I feel like I am so much more capable than I ever was before. I guess I was always capable, but I really didn't know it until I started pushing myself. I started working out more at spin class-seeing myself in a different light. I have worked so hard to look at myself and see progress instead of seeing everything that is wrong, or that I want to change.

as much as things have changed these past few months, I still have moments. today being one of those moments. today I just felt so low. I don't really know where it stemmed from or what brought it on, but it reminded me of who I used to be and what I used to feel like every single day. I really hated that. I looked in the mirror and just felt horrible about myself. picking myself apart to no end. its so toxic that I do that to myself. I have worked so hard to overcome all of the insecurities that plagued my life, and today it really took me back a few steps.

I had a really good conversation today with one of my closest friends. we talked about not focusing on the past and dwelling on the things that used to be. we also talked about comparison. it's so easy to look at other people and wish you had their life, looked like they did, or seemed as happy as they are. I think that is what hit me the most and made me tear up. I have so much to be thankful for, so many things that make me so incredibly happy. I am at my dream school, have amazing friends that support me, and I am pursuing a career I am so passionate about. but I still feel like I'm missing something. part of me still feels so empty and as much as I try to fill it up with happy things something is still just sad. part of me still isn't happy with myself and that is definitely something I need to work on. a work in progress you could say.

part of working on myself is breaking down those walls that make me feel so trapped and insecure. no more not wearing sleeveless shirts because I'm insecure of my arms. no more tucking my chin into my shirt when I'm laying down because the angle gives me a double chin. no more wearing baggy sweatshirts all the time to hide my figure. sharing these things online is really scary and totally out of my comfort zone. probs will regret this tomorrow morning when I overthink it like I do everything. but I guess thats the first step. I'm tired of picking myself apart piece by piece because I need to give myself some grace. I need to congratulate myself on how far I've come and how much I have learned.

this time last year I would not have acknowledged all of these things, let alone posted about them online. I would have swept them under the rug and let them stay there until there were too many to stuff under the rug. weird analogy but just go along with it. but hey, thats growth. as small as it may be and as insignificant it may seem to others, it is monumental to me. it means the world. and on the hard days, I will remember that.

sorry for the jumble

of thoughts but I guess thats what you can expect from me on this blog now. thats about how this day has been. a mess of thoughts but it is such a relief to get them out of my head and on to this platform. here is to growing and learning. see u soon! <3

Alyssa